Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.

I bought some coconut shampoo today.

I got halfway home before I thought, “I dont even have a coconut!”

It was worth a shot 😂

Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.

Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?

Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.

ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?

HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.

My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.

I’m in a really bad place right now*

*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house

My favorite people are the ones that like to pass judgement on others because they have obviously lead a perfect life

Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.

I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.

A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.

What doesn’t kill you isn’t earning the money I paid.

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.

Called myself to see if I’d answer, sent me to voicemail. Twice.

Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.

Drill sergeant: …

me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol

waiter:

me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha

waiter: where are ur clothes

Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.

So did all the other people at the post office.

me: you’re only giving me this job because i’m your husband, this is nepotism

wife: shut up and take the trash out

I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.

Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?

Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?

Wife: …

Me: No, I have not seen it.

My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.

A chilling warning for the old people in my village.

I cleaned under the fridge and the stove. Found 47 dog treats and 3 ibuprofen. So an even 50 treats then.

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.

twitter users today: