Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.

Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.

ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness

STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no

Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”

*All of Twitter goes missing*

Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight

Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead

Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack

Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

**shaking a magic 8-ball**

Me: Will my vision ever get better?

Coconut:

In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline

“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”

– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update

I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

this is so top tier i cant

writer: it’s based on a book

movie producer: ok

writer: about a boy who lived

producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave

writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat

producer: wait

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.

“You saw nothing.”

-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash

Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.

If your taco gets arrested what do you need to bring to the jail?

Taco bail.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.

I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.

Weaknesses.

Secret Panel HERE 💥

My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.

I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.

*pointing at a mothers shrieking baby* is this guy bothering you?

math teacher: I said to bring your protractor to class

boy with cowboy hat: I’m just a good old fashioned country boy, I ain’t need nothin fancy, this simple tractor should do the job just fine ma’am

my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow

me: yes

my mom today: do u work today

me: yes i already told u

my mom when i’m at work: where are u

Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes