sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
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The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
KFC hitting the cannibal market
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
I’m sorry I hurt your feelings. Here’s a bag of frozen peas for any swelling.
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
He wasn’t even meant to be at the party, but when she took a bite of the salsa laiden chip and then placed it back in the sauce to reload it, he knew he had just met his soulmate. It was serendoubledipity.
It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
[before horsepower was invented]
car salesman: this baby has the strength of 7000 raccoons
watching Despicable Me with the kids, but pausing it for a quick PowerPoint about how stealing the moon would kill everyone on earth
sneaking therapy tips into conversation with my mom like how u give a dog a pill wrapped in cream cheese
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
Its awkward touching hands with another man in a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man & he doesnt know youre eating his popcorn
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?