sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
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me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
Waiter: Any questions about the menu?
Me: Exactly how old are these ancient grains? I don’t want to eat anything that’s expired.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
I’m not a narcissist.
But If I was, I would be the best one there ever was.
I won’t take any criticism on this
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
The woman who sits next to me at work just told someone she’s surrounded by idiots. I feel bad for her.
pregnant wife: what should we call it if it’s a girl?
me: herbert
pregnant wife: but what if it’s a b-
me: himbert
yesterday I met a guy for coffee and he asked what I’d like to drink and went and fetched the order. And he came back with two cake pops and I was like aw that’s cute! and then he ate them both. in front of me.
………….so like he’s clearly a monster right
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Told my husband I was packed and ready to go even though my flight doesn’t leave for 12 hours, and he offered to take my suitcases to the car as if I really am packed and ready to go 12 hours early.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]