Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it’s dead friends in your hand.
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Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
Finally got my treadmill setup. I can start making excuses why I’m not using it starting tomorrow.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
Forgot the word “peel” when talking about a fruit and said “I skin the kiwi…” instead.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
Variety is the spice of life, until it comes to shower controls.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
” National No Bra Day”?
I say pics or it didn’t happen day.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
*watches the world burn*
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
“We’d love to hear your feedback about our site!”
I don’t think you will….
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.