sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
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My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Just heard someone refer to their dog as their daughter. If I’d known I could pull that bullshit off I never would have had an actual child.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Can. I. Help. You.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????