Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
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me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: What’s your strongest weakness?
Candidate: …
*Realises stupid question & thinks of cover up
M: It’s a trick question. You’re hired!
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
[to hot girl at bus stop as bus approaches]
“I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.”
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation