Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
*casually walks into a crowded Sushi Restaurant wearing a dolphin costume* *suddenly stops, looks horrified, & backs slowly out the door*
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
*arranges romantic candlelit table with two chairs*
*sits in one chair, puts feet up in other*
*sips wine*
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
[Infomercial for Parachutes]
“Has this ever happened to you?” *showing footage of a man getting thrown off a building, screaming*
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
