Sure, sex ed is an important class but if you want teens to fully grasp the consequences of sex, have them spend a few min with a toddler. My 3yo just cried for a solid 20 min cuz I wouldn’t “take the hair off” my head. If that doesn’t convince teens to use condoms, nothing will.
You Might Also Like
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I like to think I’m in charge but then one sad look from my child finds me gently disposing of a dead yard mouse in a nice bag on a carefully arranged bed of leaves
how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?
Do werewolves pull their ripped pants down to poop in the woods?
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
[my acceptance speech at the Badger Recogniser of the year award]
Me: just wanna thank-oh, theres one now
Narrator: that’s why he’s the best
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”