Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…

… and that world peace thing.

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

Them: You look tired.

Me: *punches them in their face* Well, you look injured.

Snakes, cats, madagascar cockroaches, and my daughter all hiss when they’re angry. This seems like the form of self-care I’m missing.

If you want to intimidate anyone with your screaming and honking, you may need to rethink those reindeer antlers on your car.

I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.

Eating my weight in chocolate but my weight increases with each chocolate so I’m trapped in a continuous loop

Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?

airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb

It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views

They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-

Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.

Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.

“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”

What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?

Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.

Some people age like wine, others age like milk.

Jail

If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.

I would have beaten a lot more of them up.

*girl uploads photo*

her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍

<during sex>

Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?

Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.

Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.

Remember folks 😂

Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.

A local supermarket.

A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”

The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.

why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god

Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”

I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.

She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.

guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right

how tf do u spell matthew mick hon hon hay

5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?

Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?

5:

Me:

5: I’ll borrow another dollar.

I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”