Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
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my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
wife: Where’s the food?
[flashback to me waving at a dog and forgetting to stop at the second window to pick it up]
me: Dammit
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Hopefully, on paid administrative leave.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
*dies while ironically wearing a fedora*:
oh no, this is part of my forever ghost outfit now
We have ants and tonight at dinner:
My husband: Did you know ants leave behind a trail that we can’t smell but the cats can?
3yo: I can.
Me: No, humans can’t smell it.
3yo: *sniffing loudly* smells like ants.
Man “addicted to brake fluid” claims he can stop any time he wants.
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
Doctor: How long have you been in pain?
Women: It started at 7:45am on Monday while I was at work
Men: Sometime between yesterday and 1997
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I put my pants on like everyone else, 2 seconds before the zoom meeting starts.