Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
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Hey mate! Your girl looks like a horse…
Are you in a stable relationship?
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:”Do U find this is a tough neighborhood?
Neighbor:”Na, u just use a slow cooker.
An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.
When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”
I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”
Shut your racist asses up.
me: son, your mother’s in hospital
son: is it because she works there as a doctor?
me: *long pause* yes
son: stop doing this
Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?