Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?

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Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.

Friend: It was yesterday.


Hey mate! Your girl looks like a horse…

Are you in a stable relationship?


If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.


Me*suspicious the neighbor is a cannibal*:”Do U find this is a tough neighborhood?
Neighbor:”Na, u just use a slow cooker.


An older woman in front of me demanded her drink get remade because her barista was Asian.

When I tried to inform her how irrational that request was, she turned and sneered, “are YOU Chinese?”

I replied, “no, but your ugly-ass knockoff purse is.”

Shut your racist asses up.


[phone call]
me: son, your mother’s in hospital

son: is it because she works there as a doctor?

me: *long pause* yes

son: stop doing this


Autocorrect changed, “Felt good right?” to “Hours of delight” so I sent it because it’s not my lie at this point.


Raise the bar ..?

Like, go and drink upstairs ..?


Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?