Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
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I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Cutest thing I saw was the dad angrily slamming the sliding door of his minivan but it slowed down by itself and latched silently and then it was just kind of sad.
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
I almost walked out of the dentist’s office without putting my pants back on.
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
I started at the bottom (with a knife) and now I’m here (with another man’s KFC)
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
My nephew, who’s about to turn 9, has asked for only one thing for his birthday: a clown ventriloquist puppet. In other news, I told my sister I’m no longer available for babysitting