Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
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I’ve only been married for six months now, but after much studying and counseling I’ve come to the conclusion that the key to a successful marriage can be summed up in two words: strategic farting
last night I told my four year old I loved her and she said “I love you so much that if someone chopped your head off I’d carry it around forever in a bag”
*at reading of my will*
Executor: *opens envelope*
‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
Ghost haunting my house: Okay, I’m just going to clean up your TINY, SHITTY, Apartment while you’re gone because I can’t not-live like this!
1997: Skynet becomes self-aware
2029: T-1s are sent to kill Sarah Connor
2034: Warranty expires on T-1s. 99% of them break down within hours
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Hey beauty brands who make face creams. 30ml is only enough for an ant’s face.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
What’s brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on holiday!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#SaturdayVibes #SaturdayThoughts #Holiday
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”