Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
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Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
ME: You should always say no to drugs.
SON: Okay.
ME: Let’s practise. Do you want this drug?
SON: No, two drugs.
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
I love using phrases like “knowing is half the battle” so my kids think I’m wise beyond my years, because they have no idea I took it from a cartoon.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
My daughter had a before school donut party for track and an after school ice cream party for orchestra so I asked her if she had anything else coming up?
My 10 y/o as he walks by… “Diabetes probably.”
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
No one told me middle age would be so fuzzy, and if you are wondering whether I mean my eyesight or my facial hair, yes.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
My first landlord was murdered and my new landlord is potentially kicking us all out by selling my building…which is all incredibly stressful because there’s just no way I’m going to get away with it twice
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
I tell people my hobby is growing bonsai trees, but my real hobby is starting very tiny forest fires.
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
I just had a near death experience
Death: I SAID 6 FEET, GODAMIT
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog