Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.

How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

I watched someone give a Starbucks Unicorn Frappuccino to a homeless woman. She took one sip and threw it in the trash.

The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.

8 and I just standing there existing

3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat

I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?

Me:…I rap a lot less.

They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.

If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:

Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?

Please. nobody has to know.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

My kids asked me where dinner is? Oh shit, was that today?

Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.

Yelp review: Dating

You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.

God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark

Noah: what’s wrong?

God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes

Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”

Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?

I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)

If you want to add more flavor to your toddler’s food just put it on your plate and it becomes instantly irresistible to them follow for more parenting tips

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

Most of being a parent means saying “Great!!” when your kid insists you watch him perform an unidentifiable skill.

Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

” Yes, we arson.”

If I was a marriage counselor, I’d just make the couple log on to any dating app for 2 min.

“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩