Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again
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Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
[Tinder]
Dora: Swiper no swiping!
Swiper: Oh mannn…
Because you crave something doesn’t mean it’s good for you. Every time my husband opens his mouth about politics I crave instant death.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
My child just used the auto fill info on the iPad TO BOOK HIS OWN VACATION. Now I get to make phone calls explaining that we need to cancel these reservations because the gentleman who made them is in fact nine
Jfc
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
My ice maker broke and now I have to make ice, in trays.
I’ll be on Pinterest looking for a recipe.
I’m at my most ninja when slipping on my seat belt as a cop car pulls up beside me.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
At first I was decayed, I was putrefied,
Kept thinking I could never live without formaldehyde…
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
Piñatas are a great way to teach kids about murdering animals for food.
Kids forever killing vibes 💀