Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
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Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
I can’t wait for thanksgiving. It’s an election year so that means there will be at least 4 fist fights and someone’s getting disowned.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I went to wash my teens clothes at a beach trip.
His backpack was full of alcohol. Almost no clothes.
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Thursday Thought.
I miss you like an idiot misses the point.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?