Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
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Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
Me: *trying to sleep*
Gf: Babe?
Me: Hmm?
Her: Why will she be riding six white horses when she comes?
Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
My dad: don’t tell your mom I got her a camera until Christmas morning
Me: [12:01 am Christmas morning] wake up mom, dad got you a camera
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you workedpeople will remember:
– that one time you tried to get in on the friend group’s riff and your joke bombed so hard that it changed the whole vibe
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
Jan – Nov: depressed
December: depressed but with tinsel
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
