Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband pissed me off again, so I put Miracle Gro in his weed killer.

I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that

Me: *buys a blue chair online*

Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs

A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.

[first day as a waiter]

Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.

Me: ME TOO.

-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?

Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!

Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.

A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.

Wife: I’m pissed!

Me: still or again?

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it

HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES

IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY

If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore

I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.

Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.

Me: I’d like “Intercourse” for $1,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: I bet you would.

I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

Boss: Where’s the progress report I asked u for
Me: I haven’t made any progress that’s my report

What I imagine it’d be like if I had a job

I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…

instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these

I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.

my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.

I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.

*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*

My car broke down between the marina and the Hallmark store.

Now, I’m stuck between a dock and a card place.

[in the world of chess]

kings: here’s a sword

bishop: what do i do with this? i can’t even run straight

A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”

He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.

Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.