Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
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Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
If being chased by an alligator be sure to run in a zigzag pattern so he can get in his cardio before ultimately catching and killing you.
Guilty! 🤪
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship
Men are like buses, they won’t text me back.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
Had a dream I was in Japan with Draco Malfoy and he asked if I wanted a cookie and I said no and he was all, “my father will hear about this”
Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful
Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!
Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Had to try this trend 😊
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
Tax return hit so you know what that means… Yeah, I got egg money now.
Offering people sitting on the bus my standing room. Like it’s better
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
Actor: How would you rate my ability to take direction?
Director: Below average.
Actor: *bellows* AVERAGE!!!