Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
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Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
Who’s Rudolph’s favourite pop star?
Beyon-sleigh.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
Can’t wait to still not buy toilet paper after all this is over.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
I once had sex while drinking a beer and didn’t spill a drop.
I only wish there was someone else there to witness it.
no regrets
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Nice tots you got there. Be a shame if someone tatered em.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
just clicked the “find my size” button on a clothing website and the prompt that came up said “what size do you normally wear” I selected my size and then it said “you should get that size”
um excuse me what’re we doin’ here
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Really enjoyed rearranging my onions into a different position this morning for half an hour. Huge day for us.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
