Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow you’re an English teacher? You must get so mad at the grammar on Twitter!”

I do not give one single shit how you choose to structure your thoughts on this free app made for character limited discussion.

*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*

Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.

I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?

Just crossed the border into Germany and the border police asked “Where did you come from? Where did you go?”

AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA OF MY SELF-RESTRAINT 🤣

It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.

FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!

If you’re a Mormon, and you have a mom, and you haven’t been referring to her exclusively as Mitt Momney…then why the hell are you Mormon?

Be the reason they start searching bags for googly eyes at the entrance to your local zoo

TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL

So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating

But I still bite the inside of my mouth

Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone

Skeletor: *throws stone*

Jesus: HEY!

Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.

If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

It costs $0.00 to be petty and I love free shit.

Dating: *lights candle to set the mood*
Married: *lights sage to ward off the evil poop smell*

I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

5: I want to learn drums.

Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.

*confused, 5 walks away

I am the master.

I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?

~ Me as a therapist