sure, sex is good…but have you ever made a really efficient spreadsheet?
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Twitter remains undefeated
I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
“They call me Mr Six Hours,” I told her, trying to make it sound like a sex thing not the amount of time my head was stuck in a beehive for
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
*pronounces fake like saké*
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
imagine being one of those monkeys climbing a tree after living in a cage, bet it blew their little monkey minds
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
[Me narrating a documentary on spiders] OH GOD GROSS OH JESUS DISGUSTING THERE’S ONE ON ME RIGHT NOW ISN’T THERE OHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
