Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael

infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-

me: no

infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]

me: ok listen here

Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is

20’s: I can’t remember where I left my keys

30’s: I can’t remember where I left my car

40’s: I can’t remember where I left my kids

Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.

Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex

Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies

Angry when I have to prove I’m not a robot and angry at those who built the robots for whom I am held accountable for.

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.

*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.

nobody let neil degrasse tyson watch acolyte, they have fire burning in the vacuum of space within the first 10 minutes

WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?

INSOMNIAC: No

Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors

It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.

just gave my 5yo power of attorney

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.

Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.

4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO

In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault

Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!

Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?

Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism

*manager is hit by a chair*

Me: How so?

I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.

why is my brain passive aggressive to me?
like, don’t make me feel nauseous after eating too much ice cream when you’re the one that decided we should eat the ice cream