Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
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I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
My Google searches read like an alien trying learn how to be a person.
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
the ability to go around and chit chat with anyone at work is a skill, i’m considered to be a local yap star
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
FRED: right
The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.
The Teen Choice Awards air tonight if you want to see a great reminder of why kids aren’t allowed to vote.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Your cougar jokes make me puma pants.
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
I could totally identify with REM if the song had been called “Losing my Shit” instead
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
broke: live-action auditions where you have to do shit like “memorize sides” and “look like an actual person”
woke: voiceover auditions where you get to do shit like “never have to leave your home” and “record in the nude”
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared