Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me

I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.

When you ask for your phone charger back and your teenager has the audacity to ask “what percentage are you on?”

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.

Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”

I have a book to read on
overcoming procrastination.

I bought it in 2007.

Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.

God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.

*my husband

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

“stop hiding behind your goons and fight me one on one” look buddy we all have the same number of hours in a day, it’s not my fault you didn’t spend any time cultivating a corps of loyal goons

Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.

“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”

Who?

“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”

-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having

Moderator: your word is “impatient”

Sloth: can you use it

Moderator: in a sentence yes “i am growing imp-“

Sloth: in a

Moderator: you know what close enough *ding*

Sloth: oh great thank you

Moderator: what the

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

[Explaining nomenclature to my niece]
Well, you see, celebrities used up all the good names the year you were born, Fancy Feast.

Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good

MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.

[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?

You buy eight gift bags once, and exchange them back and forth with your family forever.

My husband is extra efficient.

He leaves cabinets open for next time.

If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.

When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”

so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?

Thanks to the vaccine, I can now get in a car and argue with relatives in person.

Interviewer 1: Describe yourself in one word

Me: Hired

Interviewer 2:[whispers] Holy shit can she do that??

I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).

I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules