Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps

My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out

Just vacuumed for the first time in a really long time and apparently I have hardwood floors?

My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.

MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket

When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion

If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.

Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market

– my wife: I’m not doing that

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.

NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?

BUZZ: Nope

*5 minutes silence*

BUZZ: OK, yep.

Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.

There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.

My wife is hilarious

We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email

She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to

Fighting on twitter be like 🤣

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.

Compromise.

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…

Been watching a lot of Netflix documentaries & I think a really good way for me to make a lot of money is to find a rich woman & tell her I’m a vampire or some other crazy shit & she’ll just give me loads of cash.

I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..

kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland

Whatever doesn’t kill you wakes you up at 5:00 AM on Sunday.

Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.

Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.

How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?

I was a stay at home kid for the first 12 years of my life. I don’t think I’ll ever financially recover from it

Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.

[later]

Me:

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”