Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….

I’d just like to share that the Farsi word for ostrich is “shotormorgh” (شترمرغ) which literally translates to “camel-chicken”, and no offense to English, but I think we got this one right.

OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway

ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes

LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.

My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.

If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.

CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten

KRISTEN: sure

CHRISTEN: thank you

KRIS: anytime

god: rabbits

angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing

god: ya they do that

angel: they’re multiplying

god: they’ll slow down

angel: they aren’t slowing down

god: holy shit

angel: they won’t stOP FU

[ next day ]

god: porcupines

This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.

A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.

A duv-egg? In this economy?

I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.

If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.

If this doughnut and ice cream are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 2001-2003?

I’ve never completed a marathon, but I’ve listened to my mom tell a story, so don’t talk to me about endurance.

What did one Christmas tree say to the other?

Lighten up!

#Christmas #RubbishJokes

I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed

I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

Dreams at each age:
15: one day I’ll find great love.
20: one day I’ll become a great person.
25: one day I’ll make the world great.
35: one day I’ll throw out all my Tupperware at once, and buy a bunch of different sizes but all with the same lid.

Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.

Bartender: One more then?

Me: Yep

Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE