Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
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I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Meow
A Guy Doing Push Ups ‘One.. Two.. Three..’
*A Girl Passes by..*
Guy: “82.. 83.. 84..”
ME: *brings my mom to a knife fight*
MOM: *shouting* use your words!
MOM: *chasing knife fighters away with a broom* I know your mothers!
Apparently my 6yo old son went to school with a Spiderman costume under his clothes. The students of Edison elementary are safe today
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
That’s fair
Thinking about getting married? My wife got mad at me for doing all the yard work because we are in a fitbit step challenge together.
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
Existential crisis becomes ex’s tinsel crisis, when Christmas is involved
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
the first two drinks don’t count if you have social anxiety they just turn you into a normal person
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Dumbledore: the mirror of erised shows your deepest desires.
Harry: *tearing up* i’m with my mom
Snape: omg same
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut