Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
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when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Husband: Why aren’t you and the kids outside? It’s beautiful outside!
Me: It’s pretty beautiful inside, too.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
My sex life is like Coca-Cola; first it was normal, then light and now zero.
A woman at the grocery store, who upon seeing my daughter’s blue eyes asked where she got them from, looked at both me and my husband, and then actually said out loud “did the milk man visit your mom?” What the actual fuck lady.
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.
My wife and I had a real Fairytale wedding. A wolf killed her grandma during the ceremony and then we ate stolen porridge from some bears.
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.