Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
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Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:
1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
I’ve been doing comedy for 12 years and I gotta say to this day the hardest I’ve ever been roasted is when a 12 year old on NBA2K said “yo, where’d you get your mic, Radio Shack?”
*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
I saw a guy drink a coke in the store and pay for it later, but I’d barely gotten the cork out of this wine bottle before the manager confronted me.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
Enemas make shit happen. No seriously.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?