Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?

The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.

When potatoes get eyes, do they start watching you? If so, we should call those ones spec-taters

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you

Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.

[crime scene]

Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.

Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.

Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.

“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”

– Vader & therapist

My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.

Are you stupid, sand? You could just lay here forever on this beautiful beach, but no, you have to try with all you’ve got, to come with me in my stupid f****ng car

me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan

*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*

I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians

Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.

I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.

Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?

Me: A lot.

My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.

One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes

If the line takes more than 5 minutes at the grocery store the candy beside the checkout aisle should be free.

Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen

Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.

I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.

I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.