Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
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Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
imagine being born on january 1st, you gotta wait a whole year just for it to be your birthday lol
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Financial independence now means getting your kids to eat most of their meals at the neighbors house
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
My husband still waves to policemen like a 5 year old.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
It’s actually a little-known fact: Jesus drives a Honda Accord.
Dude yapping nonstop at the gym just said he works out in the afternoons to avoid people who talk. Is it okay to fling a dumbbell at him?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: cause you wanted to see how tall I am?
C: step out of the car, sir.
Me: see, I told ya.
Raising Twins
Twin 1: *looking at an old photo album* Is this me?
Me: I literally have no idea.
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
A lethal injection that takes two hours has no place in a civilized society. And it shouldn’t happen in Arizona either.
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep