sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
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[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Don’t let anyone treat you like yesterdays reheated spaghetti.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
WIFE: Shouldn’t you be at work?
ME: I took care of it.
BOSS: [to the cardboard cutout of Shaq with my face glued on it]
Nice work today.
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*
Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!
My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)