Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*demon enters my body

*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.

male coworker: how’s it hanging?

me: loose and to the left

him:

me: you’re not going to ask me that again, are you?

him: not a chance

Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?

Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.

I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.

Mathematics was simple until they added English to it

11 showed me his bookmark which was an old photo of me and his dad and he said, “It’s a memory of before I was born when you and Father were happy together.”

Then he said he was tired of reading and asked if he could buy some game extras on Fortnite and holy crap he’s a genius.

I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”

Two reasons you never date at work: 1. HR frowns upon it. 2. Your partner gets super pissed.

I’m about to go on a 6 day trip with 130 teenagers, including a 21 hour bus trip in each direction. Send thoughts, prayers, Monster, and bourbon.

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?

A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”

A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her

Me: *eating ribs*

Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*

My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

As per my previous tablet…

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head

The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site