Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?

[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real

Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered

I don’t like Tinder. I’m always having to check Urban Dictionary to find out what these 25-30 year olds want to do with me

Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.

It’s. Just. Tea.

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

*blowing up your phone at 3am*

I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.

I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.

Me, a millennial, weighing the pros and cons of two homes on Zillow I cannot afford.

They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this

At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”

met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No

Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty

Meowchelangelo

Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*

Old man standing next to me: Ouch!

Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.

*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.

*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.

dear parents,

just because your child is smiling at their phone doesn’t mean they have a boyfriend or girlfriend. maybe they’ve stolen the declaration of independence

Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.

I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move

[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

People who hate candy corn love telling you.

Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.

This sounds more like an accusation than a question.