Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.

Don’t tell me about your problems. I have to explain to my son why all of his baby teeth are in my nightstand.

Her: do you have protection?

MacGyver: *rummaging through her kitchen junk drawer* give me like 5 minutes

I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.

My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.

–how I cancel dates

The main city in DuckTales being called ‘Duckburg’ is mad. Imagine a human city called Manchester

guy inventing jogging: how can i suffer but with music

My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.

Being a billionaire should be illegal unless you’re a talking duck with no pants.

Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails

Me: sounds good

Sent from my iPhone

Sent from my iPhone

Peacock: *spreads feathers at me*

Husband: It’s trying to attract you as a mate

Me: *shyly lifts top*

Husband: no

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

Hell yes I am good at counterfeiting. How many $36 dollar bills do you want?

I was worried that Tim Kaine was too boring and then I remembered entertainment is what got us into this mess.

72 Hour Deodorant is just another way to say “I haven’t bathed in 3 days”.

Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*

Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.

LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes

How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?

if somone acidentaly walks in while ur in the bathroom, do not react at all. this avoids embarasment & makes them wonder if they are a ghost

The A string on my guit_r is flat

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest wea-

Me: Interrupting people.

First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”

“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”

-Disney’s Frozen

I paused the movie to tweet this…

I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔

Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.

Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

*a horse walks into a china shop

“Wait – if I’m *here*, that means-“

[cut to bull destroying bar and goring customers]