Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

New Cartoon for Alta magazine

With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.

When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.

[Marriage Counseling]
Wife: He’s always messing up even the simplest phrases.
Me: I THOUGHT we were gonna keep that on the download…

he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed

People who think it’s okay to drop by,

It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.

She kept yelling “Choke!, Choke!” to me during sex.

So rude. Why would she want me to have a bad performance?

Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today

Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.

I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.

If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.

me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower

me, in shower: *jumping*

I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away

Ok, imagine torturing someone

But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on

And, by someone, I mean my son

#parenthood

It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit

*Becomes a black hole*

*Only absorbs corndogs*

*wins lottery*

Me: fill it to the top, Jeeves

Jeeves: But ma’am, your pool—

Me: I SAID MORE MAC AND CHEESE!!!

The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.

Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.

Again.

I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

Everyone thinks they’re brave right up until a goose starts chasing them.

Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.

Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?

He thought he had job security…

Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR

Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME

What I really need is a visit from the ghost of christmas don’t cut your own bangs.

I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.