sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
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Ended my night saying “Stay goofy!” to a Waffle House waitress, and she replied: “You KNOW I will!”
Duolingo getting serious.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
I love you to the refrigerator and back
Amal and Juan are identical twins.
Their mom only carries one baby
photo in her wallet.Because if you’ve seen Juan you’ve
seen Amal.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
Boom, boom, ching!
Commits all the murders so I can be most wanted by somebody.
