sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
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Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
This meal prepping shit is easy
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
opening twitter before 9am is crazy like did you even try to have a good day
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
DR: Your cholesterol is high. What have you been eating?
ME: Mostly cholesterol.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.
when i was in costa rica a waiter dropped off a bottle of ketchup unprompted so yes i have experienced racism as a white man
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I