sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
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I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
My husband and l have a secret to making our marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, drink a little wine, eat good food, and enjoy
companionship.
He goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
any time someone tells me to “be better” i always say “show me how” and they get really mad
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Leave Twitter just because it’s lacking infrastructure and is terribly understaffed?
Babe, I’m a public school teacher 😅
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.
2024 me decided not to take today as a holiday.
2025 me is pissed off about it.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
ME: I have very bad gas
BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what
ME: sorry I have very bad petrol