sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
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me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
obsessed w/ the woman in line telling her life story. she hasn’t seen her daughter (annie) or grandkids in 3yrs bc they’re in australia. annie met her hubby in hawaii while surfing. she’s had trouble w/ the neighbors lately but that’s annie, she’ll find it wherever she goes
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
buys donuts instead
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
I’m not saying I’m mad at you, but I hope someone breaks into your house tonight, toasts all your bread and then puts it all back in the bag
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Accidentally said goodbye to the voice at the drive thru order window and they answered “nah I’ll see you in a sec” no chill
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
I fondly remember my days as a younger man when I didn’t care what the weather was going to do
Best misinterpreted text ever!
I kinda want a boyfriend but then where will I put my purse when I drive?
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.
Me: Some people go through life looking for signs and others constantly miss them.
Cop: Again, license and registration please
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm