Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
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ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
Arm falls off
Wife: You don’t drink enough water.
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
me: I think I’d be a good addition to the debate team
captain: no you wouldn’t
me: ok
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
“How do you talk to an angel”
Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?
“How do you hold her close to where you are”
Me: Aren’t most angels men?
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
The time between the nurse leaving the room and the doctor entering is for exploring and trying out as many tools as possible
I love how they gave Scooby-Doo a speech impediment, as if people would be like “That makes sense, because dogs have difficulty speaking..”
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
“Can I maim myself with it?” – my toddler’s mental checklist before deciding to play with something
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks