Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
You Might Also Like
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Me: I’ll take $2,000, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $2,000.
Me: intuitive eating is easy. It’s all about listening to your body
My body: I’m begging you…eat a vegetable….please
Me: what’s that? More cheese?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Wendall feverishly works on a shirt made solely out of ramen
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
I wanted my girlfriend to give me some time alone so we got married.
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
I imagine the best part about driving a smart car is that when there’s no parking spots you can just put it in your backpack.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Me and my best friend after eating very sour candy
