Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
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I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
On my way into the gym, I quietly drop my empty Reese’s Pieces box into the trash can. My commitment to healthy living remains steadfast.
*i finally get a girl over*
*dad rolls out from under my bed*
YO SON WHATA YA CALL A PIG WHO DOES KARATE?
“dad no”
A PORK CHOP
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
I have a riddle about lice but it’s a real head scratcher
Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity