Sure sex is great, but have you found an awesome clean washroom when you desperately had to pee?
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5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
doctor: what seems to be the problem
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
doctor: go on
t-rex: because I’ve got little arms
doctor: get out
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
OBITUARY WRITER: so how would u describe urself
ME: oh, very literaly. i guess u could say im… [lowering sunglases] lowering sunglases
FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Cop: And how would you describe the assailant?
Me: I guess I’d start with hair, eye, and skin color. Probably height and weight next…
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Today’s the day I’m gonna’ make the onions cry.
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
Zoom is really only for one thing: realizing our dream of staring at ourselves while talking to other people.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
Drive it like you stole it, by driving cautiously and observing all applicable traffic laws to avoid further incidents so as to not attract unwanted scrutiny.
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?