Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
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My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water
Checkmate, Allegiant
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder
Oddly specific
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Me: hey girl r u an earthquake
Her: aw bc I rock ur world?
Me: no bc your unpredictability threatens the entire foundation of my existence
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Ad placement of the day
#ooh
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
BRB gotta call my immigrant parents they can’t dogsit anymore
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.