Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
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Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
me: I have a phobia of very large numbers
therapist: I can help u
me: thanks a twelve
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
[dog park]
*random dog humps my dog*Owner: It’s okay! He’s fixed, haha!
Me: Its okay— mine’s a boy.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
[changing baby]
Me: I would like a very different baby, please
I’m not a professional actor, but I have successfully pretended to care how coworkers’ weekends were for decades.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
When I die, scatter me across my ex’s front lawn. Also, don’t cremate me.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”
That took me a moment.
I’m no longer allowed to keep my car window open at stop lights because of my genius for accurately describing pedestrians.
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Breaking news:
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
There’s a police officer trying to get me to roll down my window.
I’m calling the cops.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
doctor: I’m afraid your husband has died
my aunt: oh no wait have you tried giving him *scrolling facebook* apple cider vinegar
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
those birds must be on payroll
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.