Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
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There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad mom but then I think, at least I didn’t give away one of my kids because her dad was annoying and then completely pretend she didn’t exist for eleven years until she accidentally met her twin at summer camp.
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak
Not even remotely sorry.
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
LinkedIn just texted me that people are looking at my profile. That feels ominous.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
If I was a rock I’d be a pink quartz, polished smooth by my kids’ hands touching me all the time.
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ