Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

mortician: can you come ID the body

wife: what’s it wearing

mortician: just a pair of dress jorts

wife: anything in the pocket

mortician: chicken nugg-

wife: that’s him

We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.

At the restaurant I heard a lady say her taco was too salty. My wife had to leap over the table and cover my mouth before I said something.

[pulled over by cop]

COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?

MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]

i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations

I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause

[looking at family picture]

Me: Such good times

3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic

Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy

ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful

Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.

[aliens observing earth]
ALIEN 1: Did all of their clocks just move ahead an hour?
ALIEN 2: Looks like it, yeah
ALIEN 1: Bunch of idiots

A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?

An apple a day will keep anyone away if you throw it hard enough

[before tattoos were invented]

ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day

me: you can’t take all that candy to school

son: then what do I do with it?

me: you leave it here

son: with you?

doctor: the bad news is you’re dying

me: so there’s good news?

doctor: not for you, no

doctor: describe your morning routine

me: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance

doctor: I said m-o-r-n-i-n-g

me: I know how it’s spelled

COP:Do u know how fast u were going
ME: The posted speed limit, 495
COP: Sir that’s the route number, i don’t even know how I caught up to u

time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys

The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.

My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

me: oh my god!!! i just had the most amazing nap.

doctor: you were just under general anesthesia.

me: when can i go again?

I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”

FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.

Money doesn’t impress me. You know what does? Treehouses.

I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.