sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
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My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.
ROMANTIC WATER.
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Goldilocks is still undefeated when it comes to forced entry Yelp reviews.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
Headlines With Threatening Auras.
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
When I was little I would sit with my grampy and we would look out the window together. He would give me sips of his beer and sugar cubes.
Related: I’m now an alcoholic race horse.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.