sure sex is great for your memory but have you guys ever had sex? i heard it’s great for your memory.
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Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
A good spouse doesn’t complain about watching their partner’s stupid shows. A good spouse looks up spoilers online then slowly and strategically makes what appear to be highly astute observations about characters & plotlines, planting seeds that may not bloom for several seasons.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
My memoir is titled:
“#2 (not a sequel)”
Me: I’m worried my cold is making me deaf
Doctor: What are the symptoms?
Me: They’re a yellow cartoon family
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
(Just overheard in the dentist waiting room)
Kid: Mrs Davies taught us about negotiataners
Mum: You mean negotiations?
Kid: *considers* Let’s agree on negotiatans
“I can’t fall asleep… I think it’s because I’m talking”
– my 5yo, at 3am, not wrong
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
The club can’t even handle me right now. Like, the club’s just had a very emotionally draining day and the club’s been in a weird place.
My daughter wanted this triple chocolate cake and waitress warned me 4 times there was a little chocolate liquer in the icing and she was 12 and I finally said, “It is fine, she isnt driving”
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
Spell check is for lasers.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”