Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
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I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
harsh writing advice: you’re not a writer if you aren’t making up your own words. if you’re just taking preexisting words and mixing up the order to form sentences and stories? you’re a DJ
*accidentally uses flash while trying to take pic of funny looking person on the bus*
…
*makes distant thunder noises with mouth*
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
I wish there were a specific ring you could wear that meant “I’m not married but I don’t want men to talk to me”
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.