Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.

Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway

Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.

The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.

i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

Oh thank goodness, my Uber driver knows what’s really wrong with this country.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

ME: He had poise, grace and confidence, but without arrogance.

WIFE: Did you really think the zoo wouldn’t notice a missing peacock?

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Answers phone breathlessly

Friend: Sorry!! Didn’t know you had company
Me: I was washing floors
F: Oh…is that the new code?
Me: No…

Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?

Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.

My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery

COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.

CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.

Cartman: Respect my
a a

Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like

Also me: why am I still single

I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.

The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.

yes yes a thousand times yes!

The nurse said she needed some urine to test for potassium. “K,” I said. Silence. “I bet everyone makes that joke,” I say. She’s like “In 15 years of nursing not one person has made that joke”

It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.