@Jenny4ashley

Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

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@skittle624

Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.

@Gupton68

HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!

@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?

@skickwriter

Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.

@sixfootcandy

*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*

@imteddybless

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

@UnimpressedWU

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

@OctopusCaveman

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”