Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
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HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Who called it freeze dried pork and not 6 degrees Kelvin Bacon?
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Girl, are you a homeless horse? Because you look unstable.
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”