Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.

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Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.


HR: Punching colleagues is wrong

Me: But he drank from my mug

HR: That doesn’t allow you to—

M: I’d just filled it with gin

HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—

M: —ger beer…

HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!


I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?


Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.


*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*


why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening


In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up


Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”