Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
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Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
A Lunar Eclipse that Flat-Earthers have never seen.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
Ruin your teenagers day by looking in their general direction.
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
Me: I wish my toilet was sentient
Genie: hey fun fact if you wish for a therapist I won’t count it as one of the three
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
People ask what personal grooming products I use. I just get whatever is on offer in the supermarket, so this week cat food & grapes.
The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.