Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.

Stupid autocorrect changing “restraints” to “restaurants”

there should be a tented fingers emoji. for when you’re feeling ruminative

I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.

“You’re asking too much! I have a LIFE, you know!” I scream at this recipe that requires several of the ingredients to be sifted in a separate bowl before adding to the main mixture.

Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE

I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.

[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.

December 2023 our house was burgled and the children’s Christmas presents were stolen. Burglar was caught on our Ring doorbell and I happened to know where he lived. Instead of calling the cops, I burgled the Christmas presents back from him.

“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”

OMG, you mean this isn’t it.

And that’s how the fight started.

Saying please to a toddler is like being polite to a tornado.

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

[first day in prison]

Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.

7: I don’t want you to have any more babies

Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies

7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

The trick to keeping Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan is to take away their little brooms

[eyeing a beautiful woman]

ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants

HER: they look terrible on you

MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.

30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.

I’ve been saving these cleavage crumbs just for you babe.

Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off

Are all the non essential oils out of work now?

I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]