Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.

I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.

People just like to argue.

People: No we don’t

I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.

hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!

adorable snowman: rawr

hikers: awwww

*starts eating them*

hikers: AWWWW

“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later

Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.

If he:

-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcass

He’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon

The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.

Getting my kid ready for her Girl Scouts trip to a horse farm

Wife: get your hair in a pony tail before you go

Kid: why do I have to do that?

Me: it’s a sign of good faith for the other ponies

Kid:

Me: it shows that you’re one of them and helps gain their trust

Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude

So many people to disappoint, so little time

good morning

[date night]

*puts on clean sweats*
*clips toenails*
*removes mouth guard*
*dabs a little Dorito dust behind each ear*

Let’s do this.

Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry

Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase

Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again

My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.

Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.

fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal

They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad

If I ever get burned at the stake, I’m filling my pockets with popcorn kernels to make a nice snack for the audience.