Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
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Having your own bed while married is crazy—got my body plopped in the middle—-remote on one side—ipad on the other—bag of snickers over yonder
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Women who say getting married was the best day of their life have obviously never had 2 Kitkats fall out of a vending machine by mistake.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
I just ate my yogurt with a fork, because I’ve learned that if it looks like you have your shit together, people ask you to do stuff.
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
I never saw myself as a mechanic but earlier today there was a rattle in my engine so I turned up the radio and it disappeared!
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
It’s not fair how many boring things my nephew gets out of going to simply by shitting his pants.
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
came out to my parents (!) and my dad was like, oh that’s nice! i thought you were going to ask for money!
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
Feels like there should be a middle ground
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.