Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
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[Watching an educational show]
[3 year-old asks a million questions I have no answer for]
Me: Okay, let’s watch Bugs Bunny instead.
[5 minutes later]
3: Why doesn’t he hop?
Me: ᴰᵃᵐᵐⁱᵗ
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
I’m your girl in the apocalypse till there’s something that needs to be opened because I have no muscles in my hands 😭😭😭😭
Want to feel old? This is what the vampires from Buffy the Vampire Slayer look like now.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat
gorilla optometrist: uh oh
No one:
My 3yo: H I J K Elmo Elmo P
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
Oh Buddy. You’ve done more than make them think about it. You’ve bonded them forever in a group text where one of them will share a wedding photo or promotion news and one of the others will say “i don’t know, SMELLS LIKE FAILURE.” And then they’ll all die laughing.
ME: [bird watching]
PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Dogs aren’t allowed in restaurants.”
Me: “He’s my service dog.”
My dog: “I’m here to fix your refrigerator.”
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
4: I reeeallly want Oreos!
Me: but you already had Oreos
4: no I didn’t!
Me: yeah you did
4: no I didn’t!
Me: I saw you eat them
4: but *I* didn’t see myself eating them!
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name