Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
You Might Also Like
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
ex gf moved out and took all the herbs and spices. i will never financially recover from this
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
I walk around my yard with a fake teardrop tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
List of things my kids wanna talk about at bedtime
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
I’d love this…lol
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
Probably good whoever named this one didn’t get to name any other planets.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”