sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
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How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
The more I insisted marshmallows were vegetables, the angrier my doctor got.
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Him: your so funny, smart & beautiful how are you still single
Me: *you’re
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else’s pants??
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.