sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
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poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Stranger: I’m going to punch you in the face now
Me: Please don’t
Stranger: It’s on sale 🥰
Me: Omg 3 please
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
me: the heart wants what the heart wants
heart: please stop drin-
me: whiskey it is
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
me: [puts a snorkel and flippers on my horse]
water polo ref: still no
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
*shows up at your work*
“Hi, it’s me. From the internet.”
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
me: I’ve been thinking about you all day.
cookie:
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
person: ur a toxicologist? what’s the wildest poison u know
me: actually anything can be a poison in the right dose, even water or–
person: *losing interest*
me: *sighs* ok so there’s a poison that gives u smoking luminescent poop
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
PILOT: Welcome to flying school. Any questions?
ME: Is it possible to crash into a rainbow?
PILOT: Yes it’s how most of you will die. Next?