sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
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The best way to open a stubborn jar is to take a deep breath and recite an ancient Wiccan incantation.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
ME: I was left in the woods as a baby.
DATE: So, were you raised by wolves?
ME: Not exactly. *gnaws a tree in half*
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
me: i trained my cat to talk
her: let’s see
me: name an object pronoun
cat: me-
me: what do i say when i’m hurt
cat: -ow
her: this sucks
me: just wait
cat: we’re just getting started Linda
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
there are only 2 kinds of mayors: the kind you hate for ruining your city and your job and your life. and dogs
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times