sure, that makes sense. no big deal, i just go on linkedin to hang out anyway
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Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I ran a whole 5K and didn’t even eradicate cancer
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
You can basically pressure anyone to do something by publicly saying: On the count of three! One, two-
I never make my guests take their shoes off at the door because it takes them longer to get out when I want them to leave.
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Moaning faced neighbour has moved so we’ve finally got the balls back she refused to send back. Just the TWENTY THREE of them!!!
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Coroner’s Report: “Victim noted a subtle mannerism shared by his wife and mother-in-law.”
Pack a bag, we’re going on a tangent.
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt