Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
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[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
Doctor: Your son needs a kidney transplant
My mom: K, he NEEDS or he WANTS one?
How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
[ant colony]
husband: I am beat
wife: you’re the one who wanted to be in construction. I should’ve married a doctor
husband: yeah but *flexing* can a doctor lift 5,000 times his body weight?
wife: WE ALL CAN, GARY
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Windows
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Teacher: you can be anything you want
Me: Beyonce
Her: well, not that
(we stare at each other blankly for 17 min…)
Me: Hi I’m Beyonce
[i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] “can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he’s here again.”
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
I #respectfully #trot when you let me cross the street in front of you. I salute the #power of the automobile.
The Struggle
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
ME: Is there a ghost in here?
{everything shakes, dishes shatter in kitchen, books fall off shelves}
Ouija Board: {slides to no}
ME: phew