Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
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*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
How do we know what dinosaurs sounded like? They could have whispered or had a Swedish accent. We don’t know
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
Creepy-crawlies
Okay, he’s ricocheted off a few buildings, but he seems fine now.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
I would’ve gotten away with saving money if it weren’t for those meddling kids!
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
My purse is deeper than some people.
DOOO EEEET
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.