Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
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Me: [picking up chicken with chopsticks] this is hard
Her: why not try a fork?
Me: [picking up a fork with chopsticks] this is even harder
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
If you fall asleep long enough the steering wheel gives you a pillow.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
Did your date order honey for dinner? Did your date eat the waiter when he brought the honey? Is your date a bear? You are dating a bear.
Me: did you actually brush your teeth?
11: yes
Me:
11: I did!
Me:
11: just maybe not all of them
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
(Son walks in on us.I make it under the covers.Hubs doesn’t)
9: (Half asleep) Dad why are you naked?
Him: Um..uh…I’m just setting my alarm
9: Oh. Okay. G’night. (Walks out)
Me: Really?! You know that a few years from now, he’s going to strip naked to set his alarm, right?
You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Like my dad, I often confuse american and british english. I guess I’m a crisp off the old distance along a street between two intersections.
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
most cutting thing you can say is “who’s this clown?” because it implies they’re a) a clown & b) not even one of the better-known clowns
me irl
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green