Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
You Might Also Like
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
I love when I can still smell your colon on my pillow the next day.
-why spelling matters
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
It feels like the right time to invest in the guillotine industry.
ME: I wish dogs could talk but they all have Scottish accents lol
GENIE: Umm, alright then, second wish?
ME: I wish cats could talk but they all have Italian accents lmao
G: Most people wish for world peace or money
ME: I wish you weren’t so judgemental
G: Wow Max great work
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
A woman at the gym called me handsome so I guess I’m getting married you guys.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
My husband asked me offhandedly if he had any annoying habits then got fucking offended during the PowerPoint presentation
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
bought wrong eggs
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
HER: Does your dog do any tricks?
ME: I taught him to lie on the bed
H: That’s not impressive lol
DOG [gets on bed] I wrote The Hobbit
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.