Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
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Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
Hello 911? I was doing that thing where you pretend to walk down stairs behind a couch only it worked. I have no idea where I am. Help me.
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
Wife: He’s just so literal all of the time, he gets so confused
Psychiatrist: Is this true?
Me: [worried] Are u really gonna make me shrink?
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
Sorry I don’t remember your name, I was concentrating too hard on shaking hands, making eye contact and not mispronouncing my own.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
How tf did it end up there?
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails