Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.
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Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
US: you need to build credit to show you are responsible with money
me: ok so my credit score will improve if i pay off a debt?
US: lmao
me: ?
US: are you serious
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok I’ll take one
[later]
duck: quick
me: I see
There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.
a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with
every city has a “guy” they all know about. you can visit a friend in their town and see a man dressed in robes, riding a horse & your friend will go “oh yeah haha that’s horseback jesus” and then that’s just the end of the explanation.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
My neck my back my allergy attack
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
[on 1st date]
Him: So why is someone as pretty as you single?
Me: Single? Who’s single? [gets right up in his face] We marry at dawn.
welcome to your 40s, the first song you ever made out to is being used to promote mutual funds
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
FRED: right
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
If someone is choking the best thing to do is ask them if they’re okay repeatedly then if that fails give a concerned look until resolved.