Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Start calling divorces “incidents”

Level up on that intrigue

I went to the dentist to get a crown put in. Told the hygienist I was there for my coronation. Then apologized for being the several hundredth person to say that. She said I was the first!

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”

A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious

“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”

No thanks

“Why not?”

I actually love streets

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

I just invented the world’s fastest escalator.

I call it the “escanow.”

Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?

Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks

Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

[At the car dealership]

Me: See, this has everything I want, right here

Salesman: Sir, our soda machine is not for sale

This is joyous. Go to any YouTube video. Pause it. Click anywhere outside the video and then type 1980. Now defend yourself.

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.

Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

constantly working on myself.

I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

I hand-wrote a letter today and now I have the measles and a wood-stove.

Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.

Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?

Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.

Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.

Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.

Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.