Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.

4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?

Me: *takes the ducky* Why?

4: I dropped it in the toilet.

“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.

Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.

[first date]
Me: why isn’t a boy ant called an uncle
Date: why isn’t a girl praying mantis called a praying womantis
*we do it right there*

My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.

360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case

Does anyone remember that annoying song Barbie Girl by Aqua?

You do now.

Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

It’s kill or be killed. Or eat a sandwich. Maybe go for a light jog. Draw a picture of a duck. There are a lot of options out there.

My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”

If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.

Show me your pushy.

– Sean Connery shext

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don’t get too excited.

Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.

Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?

Teen [fixing his hair in the mirror]: mum I think I have like, a natural perm? Is that a thing?

Me: yeahhh… it’s called curly hair

WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME

[first date]
I’m really nervous about this. It’s been a long time since I’ve [holds fork up and squints] used silverware.