Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
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Roses are red
Violets are blue…
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
I don’t think ‘safe sex’ sounds like a very good idea. I mean, what if you get locked in and forget the combination
There’s a certain kind of voodoo involved when it takes forever to lose 5 pounds, and only one cupcake to gain it back.
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
A bad massage experience would be awaiting your masseuse, lying naked under the sheet, when you realize “Hey, this isn’t a spa, it’s a morgue!”
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
You sure about that?
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
Evidence that I have the right to be silent and get drunk at 8:17am:
Kids are painting the dog in the living room.
The Frankfurt School?? What are you majoring in, hot dog?
8-year-old: Are you going to Meet the Teacher Night?
Me: Do you want me to meet your teacher?
8: No.
Now I’m definitely going.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.