Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
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HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Ex: will you take me out for my birthday?
Me, grabbing my pistol: I thought you’d never ask
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Required: An app that turns the page of the calendar that’s on the wall.
Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)
every olympics i turn into this guy
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
Finally, a cream that replaces me with another person
Did I just trip in public? Yes. Do I even care that a bunch of people saw me? Also yes.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson