Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
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ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
You know how when everyone is clapping along to the song and you join in and it’s fun at first but after a while you’re like oh shit do I have to keep this up for the whole song? That’s what life is like.
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
[resorting to cannibalism]
My GF: we’ve only been out here for 4 hours!!
Me: he would have wanted us to survive
A Brit accepting a compliment:
“I like your coat”
“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”
THIS IS THE POLICE.
COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.“Wrong house guys.”
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?
“Yup, happens a lot.”
OKAY COOL, SORRY.
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch right now refusing to clean bigger rooms.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
Coffee for people with no kids
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
No way!
John Hammond: Damn. The dinosaurs got out and ate everyone
Me: Yeah. I guess there’s no more Jurassic Park
John Hammond:
Me:
John Hammond:
Me: I need to hear you to say it, John
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
I don’t know if this is a bacon bit or a scab, but either way it’s delicious.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.