Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
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This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
Chefs: you eat with your eyes first
Me, eating with my mouth: oh no
If I ever become a ghost, I’m gonna go back and haunt college me. Tell him to hydrate.
Uh oh…
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
I know VERY basic Japanese.
When I got to Japan, I tried a Japan exclusive Starbucks drink. My bf is allergic to nuts so in perfect Japanese I asked,
“does this have nuts in it?
The cashier said “ooh, nut allergy?” (In Japanese)
I responded…..
“Sí.”
…
I HAVE NO WORDS 😭
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
I’m pretending to be a hot girl on Tinder so I can match with my roomate and tell him I’m coming over so he’ll clean the apartment.
I don’t think the water lizards run on the water always. I think it’s a “oh hey I forgot something” or “shit it’s the cops, run” thing.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer