Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps

They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer

fireman: dear god… your face

me: i wasn’t in the building

Me: *giving blood*

Nurse: *reluctantly accepting another barrel* whose is this?

SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”

Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked

I make one little mistake and now my pharmacist adds, “by mouth” to all my prescriptions labels

me working on my assignments ^-^

I can’t take anymore of this 50 Shades of Grey promo. It’s still your basic Cinderella story. Now she just has a ball gag.

Me: So, other than the slow start, not engaging with the readers, a meandering plot, an absence of a POV, and wooden dialogue, you think it’ll be a best seller?

Editor: No, that’s not what I’m saying.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.

me after i passed that state trooper

octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses

If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.

Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.

In dog beers I’ve only had 2.

“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks

You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

ME: A bear is just an angry couch.
PARK RANGER: Sir, get slowly off the bear.
ME: *snuggling in* No. It’s fluffy.

Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.

every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.

COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.

*staring at a ripped hoodie from 2002*

*glances over at a pile of new hoodies*

Me: Yep, time to stitch you up again, little buddy.

Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face

me: “it hurts when i pee”

doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted